Christmas Movie Review

It's Christmas time around the house.  Christmas brings many changes to the home landscape, but none more confusing to me than the arrival of the bad Christmas movies on the Hallmark and Lifefime channels.  I don't personally care for them, but I do find myself getting wrapped into them each night at about 9:00 PM.  Last night's award winner, The Christmas Proposal, featured two Christmas movie mainstays in Tom Arnold, and Nicole Eggert - who seems to have been spending a little too much time in front of the feed bowl since her Baywatch days (if you know what I mean).  The film (and I use that term loosely) also featured a Patrick Dempsey lookalike, as I do not imagine that the producers had money in the budget for the real McDreamy, after spending all of that money on talent like Tom Arnold.  Anyway, the story was typical for a Christmas movie - folks return to the small town home at Christmas, realize they miss it, everybody falls in love and Christmas arrives and solves whatever lingering problem might remain. Tier 2 McDreamy and the pudgy ex-tv lifeguard rekindle their forgotten romance and get engaged in front of the whole town.  Of course.  Not sure of the point of Tom Arnold in this one.  He is Tier 2 McDreamy's boss and spends lots of time shouting at him over the phone from a golf course - where he barks out important boss-like sayings such as "Have that report on my desk in the morning!"  or "If you don't come through, you're finished at this company!"  Good stuff from Tom Arnold here.  He really has blossomed as a performer since splitting from Roseanne. 

We'll see what's on tonight. 

I Want to be a Flasher

Clearly, there are a lot of advantages to not being held to the societal defined expectations of wearing clothes in public.  Very clearly.  I can go whereever I wish and never have to worry about pants and whether or not I remembered to put them on.  I just can't imagine the stress that would cause a person.  However, there is a downside to the expectation that I be nude:  I am unable to engage in the act of flashing.  I would make a great flasher.  I could really envision myself walking down the street on the end of my leash, wearing a non-descript tan trench coat, appearing distracted, and opening it up and freaking someone or something out.  What an adrenaline rush that would be!  I bet I could really freak out the neighborhood squirrels.  I might send them all into therapy - if squirrel therapy exists as a recognized medical practice.  However, I would not be completely nude under my trench coat.  I would wear a tie - something striped perhaps - hanging from my neck.  I like to stay classy and sophisticated at all times. 

Holiday Confusion

I - Hoagie The Dog - enjoy the holidays.  I enjoy each and every one of them - including the lesser known ones.  However, I tend to get a little confused as to what traditions go with which holidays.  I understand that Thanksgiving is approaching.  However, I don't recall if that is the holiday that centers around a turkey or a bunny.  Halloween recently passed - was that the one with the groundhog?  So, going forward I think that I may just implement a standard celebration routine that captures all of the major holiday traditions - just so that I have all my angles covered when it comes to the pageantry.  So here is how I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving (and perhaps all holidays going forward):

Wake up early.  Put on a costume (maybe a Dracula costume), and go out in the yard and look for eggs.  If I see a bunny, I will shoot it and bring it inside and prepare it with stuffing.  After romancing my closest companion and giving her chocolates, I will re-enter the yard and shoot off some fireworks.  Then, I will stroll down to the bar and drink lousy green beer.  Upon my return to the house, I will gather with the family around a pine tree that has been placed in my living room, trade presents with each other, and finish the day talking like a pirate.

There you have it.  My go-to holiday celebration plan.  Feel free to implement a similar plan.

Hoagie The Dog to Replace Regis?

Generally, when major television personalities announce their departure, I - Hoagie The Dog - am contacted by television executives and/or other important people in an effort to gauge my interest in replacing said television personality.  When Andy Rooney left, my phone immediately rang as CBS honchos tried to convince me to share my thoughts at the end of 60 minutes.  I respectfully declined as I don't work Sundays.  When Oprah left I was contacted by studio executives, members of the Board of Directors of All Things Oprah, Gayle King, and selected members of the United States Congress - all pitching me on the idea of stepping into Oprah's shoes.  I declined that offer as well.  Now that Regis has hung up his morning show charisma, the push is on once again for Hoagie the Dog to enter America's consciousness via a talk show.  This recruitment process has been especially persistent.  In fact, Kelly Ripa herself is taking an active role in persuading me to move to New York and join her on her little AM gabfest.  Just the other day, as I was on my walk, Kelly Ripa jumped out from behind a tree and launched into her pitch.  Today, she was loitering around the front of my house, peering in the windows trying to get my attention.  Obviously, I find the whole idea very flattering - as any dog who is fielding overtures to appear on TV would - but the simple fact is that I just do not have the time to host a talk show.  My plate is already full with my various projects.  I have my blog.  I have my Christmas album that I am getting to go into the studio and record.  I have my tax advisory business.  I have my door-to-door saddle sales business.  Let's not forget the consulting that I do for the choreography on Dancing With The Stars (DWTS). 

So Kelly - stop asking me.  It's just not in the cards at this time.  Stop jumping out from behind trees and bothering me as I'm doing my business in a yard.  Have some dignity.

Wine Review

This evening a little red wine spilled on the floor and I was able to lick up a couple of drops before it was cleaned up. I - Hoagie The Dog - have a fairly refined palate and was able to notice right away that it was a 2006 Renato Ratti Barolo Marcenasco. This is an untamed beast, showing more wild herb, raw beef and forest underbrush elements along with its black cherry and raspberry fruit. Distinctive and harmonious, it requires time to absorb. Also, it clearly has mineral, cedar and dusty earth notes that frame the ripe currant, plum and blackberry scents. Full-bodied, intense and concentrated, it gains depth and nuance on the long, potent finish. In terms of pairings, it would work nicely with pupperoni treats, milk bones, or even a ripe out-of-the-can tennis ball. Enjoy now through 2014.

Brian Boitano Event

As I was watching the Chicago Blackhawks game with the Old Man tonight, I saw a commercial for an event that I know is simply going to be huge.  It is the Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular featuring a performance by Chicago.  A combination of greatness!  I can't believe that this has not been thought of before.  Two artistic superpowers weaving their magic together under one roof.  At least two or three nights a week, I find myself listening to post-Peter Cetera era Chicago in my headphones while watching old tapes of Brian Boitano performances.  I've always found it infinitely frustrating not to be able to enjoy both loves simultaneously on the same artistic canvas.  Now I can - and I can enjoy it live.  I must get tickets.  However, I am frightened to even try to comprehend what the ticket scalpers are charging for this event.  I have to assume that the prices rival those charged for the Super Bowl.  Or the Globetrotters.  I mean, how do you put a price on Brian Boitano fluttering around to "Saturday in the Park."  Tears will be shed.  I - Hoagie The Dog - love jazz-influenced classic rock.  And I love the art and pageantry of figure skating.  I don't imagine that I will be able to afford the ticket.  However, I will be at home, on the couch with my headphones on, "25 or 6 to 4" playing, watching either a tape of Brian excelling in the 1988 Olympics or perhaps a tape of his Food Network show "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"  I'm cool with that. 

Grooming Inequality

This dog needs to get to the groomer and get the swagger tuned up.  My fall coat has come in, and I need to get it smoothed out a bit on top, on the sides, and underneath.  One thing that I've always wondered is:  Do the humans have the same experience as I when they go for a haircut?  Do you have to stand on top of a table for your cut?  Do you get chained up by your neck on the table?  Do they use a wet-dry vac on you to clean up the hair and dry your fur?  Do they thoroughly clean the part under your tail?  I don't necessarily have a strong opposition to any of these practices as they are commonplace for my experience.  I am left to wonder, however, if I were to walk into a Mario Tricoci salon, for example - to pick up some conditioner - would I see a room full of people standing on tables, chained to poles, getting scrubbed and shaved?  Would I hear the deafening sound of 20 wet-dry vacs operating at once?  Does common modesty go completely out the window with respect to the "under the tail cleaning?"  In commercials on tv for "salon style quality" shampoos, they certainly don't seem to paint this picture of a salon as they are convincing me of the existence a better, more glamorous way for me to wash my hair at home.  My get tells me that there is some injustice here that needs to be addressed - that me and my brothers deserve a better haircutting experience.  I see an organized demonstration in my future.  The revolution starts now.

I too was harassed by Herman Cain

Back in 1997, I had the great pleasure of being able to attend the annual National Restaurant Association convention.  It was there that I feel that I may have been the target of unwanted sexual advances from Herman Cain.  Here is what happened.  On the last day of the convention, I approached Mr. Cain as he was chatting with some colleagues about some sort of official National Restaurant Association business.  I approached Mr. Cain because, as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, I figured that the man was going to smell like pizza.  And boy, did he ever smell like pizza.  It was glorious.  I also was hoping that - as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza - he may actually have some pizza on him.  However, he did not.  As I stood next to Mr. Cain - taking in his sausage and pepperoni natural aroma - he gently rubbed my backside and called me "handsome."  I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was completely captivated by this hypnotic pizza smell that the man had.  Now that I look back on it though, I believe that my rights may have been violated. 

I have great sympathy for the other brave victims that have been coming forward with their stories of improper behavior on the part of Mr. Cain.  I imagine that they also were captivated by his pizza smell and fell for its allure.

Kim Kardashian Reconsidering Divorce

It comes as no surprise to me - Hoagie The Dog - that the Kardashian girl with the big behind is reconsidering her divorce to mediocre NBA player Kris Humphries.  According to reports, the Kardashian girl put her big ass on an airplane and flew to Minnesota to chat with Kris over the weekend.  It comes as no surprise to me, because I spoke at length with Kris on Friday.  As an advisor to the stars, I am often sought out for my perspective and guidance - especially on all matters of the heart.  As a matter of fact, I have a specific expertise in mediating quarrels between irrelevant celebrities with little or no talent.  I told Kris that he and the Kardashian girl have so much to offer the world as a couple - that they simply cannot give up.  I mean, she is on television and he scores nearly 6 points per game. That is a powerful combination that you don't find every day.  I think that she also has a perfume.  Not sure if he does.  Yet.  So, I am encouraged that he is taking my advice and trying to save this important relationship and thus make everything right with the world.  Those two really are an inspiration to us all.  I also suggested that he spend a little more time in the driveway working on his free throws. 

End of Daylight Savings Time

Well, another Daylight Savings Time has come and gone.  Put this one in the books.  I'm dissapointed that we don't send out this event with any real pageantry.  No party, no beads, no cards.....nothing.  I - Hoagie The Dog - really love a good celebration.  Celebrations to me mean one thing - food on the floor baby!  I feel that we need to be making bigger productions over more things.  We could celebrate the arrival of Tuesday with a grand feast.  Or, if the wind is out of the south, we could celebrate that with a big party.  Each time we run out of milk, we could go mad crazy with a party.  More celebrating = more food for me.   That's what I'm talkin' about.

Flash Mob Needed

In an effort to market and draw attention to my blog, it appears that I may have to engage in some gorilla marketing.  After all, gorilla make the best marketers.  Just ask any gorilla.  I have yet to hire any gorillas, and as a result, I will conduct the gorilla marketing myself - sans gorilla.  I am leaning toward organizing a flash mob, however the flash mob logistics seem intimidating.  First, I must choose a big, populated location.  This location also must have stairs from which people descend for a grand entrance approximately 25% of the way through the performance.  This rules out my backyard.  Then, I need to round up about 200 people willing to go along with my flash mobbing.  This won't be easy.  Next I must coordinate the choreography.  Obviously, I would do this myself and do not need to find and hire a professional choreographer.  Hoagie The Dog is - if nothing else - a terrific dancer.  Traditional dancing, line dancing, tango, samba, the twist, irish step dancing, break dancing, and of course - the mashed potato.  I am an expert in all of them.  Over my career, I have really enjoyed most of my experiences in choreographing huge production numbers.  I enjoy getting my choreographer outfit on, parading in front of the dancers, shouting at those out of step until it all comes together at the end and I weep in the arms of the dancers who are grateful for my tough love approach to dancing.  It's really a magical process to observe.

However, for now, I will simply continue to scribe my observations.  And if the right gorilla comes along, I may get him involved in advancing my cause.

Kris Humphries' Divorce From the Girl with the Big Behind

I - Hoagie The Dog - have followed the love life of 6 ft. 9 in. NBA forward Kris Humphries for many years.  When he was drafted by Utah and averaged 3.5 points/game for two seasons, I was mesmerized by his dating in the singles hotspot of Utah.  Then, when he was traded to Toronto - where he raised his scoring average to 4.0 points/game - I was fascinated with his pursuit of the Canadian women as he chased them throughout the area hockey arenas.  Then, when he landed briefly in Dallas for 25 games before being sent out of there without making an impact, I was honestly broken as I really thought he was going to find true love in the Lone Star State.  However, it was not meant to be.  Finally, Kris moved onto New Jersey to play for the Nets, where he really came into his own as a star and raised his career scoring total to an average of 5.6 points/game.  During the NBA lockout which nobody - including me: Hoagie The Dog - cares about, Kris thankfully found his true love in the Kardashian girl with the big behind.  You know, the one who is a professional um....uh... - well, the one with the tv show and books about um...uh... - I mean um...uh... the girl with the big ass that somehow has Capt. Wheaties Bruce Jenner as her step dad.  Well, when he finally married the big ass Kardashian girl, I was overwhelmed with joy - as Hoagie The Dog is a champion of true love.  I thought that this was a real win for a guy who has a head shaped like a canoe.  However, I now find myself 72 days after the wedding, once again following the love plight of Kris as he and that Kardashian girl with the big ass have decided to call it quits. 

Kris and his soon-to-be ex-wife with the big ass have asked me and the rest of Earth to respect their privacy during this difficult time, and have stated that they intend to remain friends. I guess that I don't understand why it's important that you keep your ex-wife of 72 days with the big ass close to you as a friend.  Nevertheless, I do not know how successful I will be in granting these two their privacy.  I will try to find a hobby to occupy my time, but I may just find myself trying to contact Kris and ask him what went wrong.  Please Kris, tell me what went wrong between you and that Kardashian girl (the one with the big ass).

Another Halloween in the Books

Another Halloween has come and gone for you as well as me - Hoagie The Dog.  I struggled to come up with one costume this year.  I consulted my advisors, visited fortune tellers, flipped through old issues of "O" magazine, and called radio talk shows - all in the effort of looking for advice and guidance on what I should be for Halloween.  My costume requirements seemed simple:  The costume must reflect my personality either directly or ironically, be topical and relevant, be dangerously sexy, and come at a reasonable price.  Hoagie The Dog is fiscally responsible on all holidays.  So, in the end, I landed on many costumes and changed throughout the night.  For the dusk evening - catering to the younger trick-or-treaters - I dressed as Capt. Underpants - from the children's book series.  This is ironic because #1) I am not a "certified" Captain in the traditional sense of the word, and, #2) I do not wear underpants - ever.  Never will.  For the hours between 6:00 and 8:00, I went as a mangled cat.  The teenagers who come during that time really respected me for my daringness and creativity.  Also, I found the costume topical and ironic since there are a lot of mangled cats out there and I am not one of them.  I am a dog.  Finally, for the late-night visitors, I simply threw on my silk robe, loosened it up a bit up top, draped a fashionable scarf around my neck, and sat down in an inviting pose on the front step with a bowl of candy positioned in my lap.  My thinking was that the scantily clad ladies would be coming by dressed as vixen police officers, and sexy bumble bees and they would certainly identify with my costume.  However, traffic died down after 8:00 and I was out there seemingly only to get the greyhound across the street all worked up.  I don't know if that dog is a boy or a girl (or somewhere in-between), so I may not position myself erotically in such a public setting next year.   None of my advisors warned me of this outcome - so I may have to revisit my support structure.

Best Bathroom in America?

According to a survey conducted by a restroom supply company, the Field Museum right here in Chicago has America's top bathroom.  I've never been there, however I have seen the pictures on the www-internets and I suppose that you could say that it's nice.  From the perspective of me - Hoagie The Dog - I don't think that I would categorize their's as #1.  I feel that America's Top Bathroom is right in my backyard.  Think about it (if you haven't already).  First, my bathroom is wonderfully landscaped - roses, hostas, lillies, ferns, and all kinds of other stuff to make the bathroom experience all that more scenic.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  My bathroom has a large elm tree in the corner for shade if needed.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  My water closet also has a grape arbor - complete with grapes and a bench.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  The Old Man can throw a ball to me in my bathroom.  Can't do that in the Field Museum.  I have a garage attached to my bathroom.  The Field Museum parking garage is nowhere near the bathroom.  Design error on their part.

I will admit that there are two downsides to my bathroom arrangement.  #1: Privacy is a bit of an issue.  I am exposed to the gawking of family, neighbors, strangers in cars, birds and squirrels as I do my business.  It's a bit awkward, but remember, I have a grape arbor - so it's take the good with the bad.  #2: Cleanliness.  I will allow that the Field Museum poddy probably gets cleaned a bit more often than mine.  You should see my place after a melting of a major snow that has been on the ground for a while.  Not pretty.

I am hoping that next year, my bathroom will receive its proper acknowledgement among America's best and all will be right with the world of bathroom surveys.

Snooki Gets A Perfume

Finally - Snooki is releasing her own perfume.  It's about time.  I can't tell you how many conversations that I have had with people that start with me saying "I need to smell like Snooki."  Now, finally, I - Hoagie The Dog - can smell just like Snooki.  You can too.  We all can.  All we have to do is turn on the Home Shopping Network and call the toll-free number and the good smells will arrive in 3-5 business days.  How convenient.  I usually have the HSN on anyway as that is where I shop for my anti-aging lotions, celebrity endorsed jewelry, and fancy blenders.  This may inspire me to get into the fragrance business.  I think that I would call mine "Smell The Dog."  It would be huge.  The cover of the box would feature a shirtless, sweaty Hoagie The Dog being admired in the rain by a female species that has been overwhelmed by my scent.  Enjoy that visual. 

http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2011/10/25/Snookis-scent-for-sale-on-HSN/UPI-46961319557984/

Getting my Tax Code On

I - Hoagie The Dog - am a CPA (Certified Public Accountant).  I earned this prestigious designation after completing the required paperwork and forms that were sent to me after responding to an add in the back of a Rolling Stone magazine.  And today, I am putting on my old-school accounting/bookkeeping visor and exercising my right to account.  Specifically, I will be initiating an official review (as sanctioned by me - Hoagie The Dog) of the US Tax Code.  With all of the talk about a 9-9-9 plan and the optional 20% flat tax, I feel that I need to brush up on the particulars of the drama that is contained in the Code before offering and opining on my official position.  Every 4 years, I am besieged with requests from various cable outlets to offer my opinion on tax reform and the economic and political ramifications of such adjustments.  I prefer to be in the upper right corner in the quadrant style panel discussion - as my advisor suggests that the upper right corner implies a position of authority.  The usual 4 people on the panel are Alan Greenspan, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, and me - Hoagie The Dog.  I go way back with the other panelists, so the discussion is usually pretty friendly, but passionate nonetheless.  Alan Greenspan and I used to go to professional wrestling matches together.  He was a big fan of Capt. Lou Albano (not an accountant) for whatever reason.  I do not know if the admiration was mutual.  Which brings me back to my original point - the tax code review.  I intend to complete my review within 7 business days.  Do not expect to hear any of my official stances until I complete my full review.  You will have to wait patiently.  Keep your composure.  Do not fret.  My review is coming soon.

Inspirational Quotes

All these inspirational quotes that are flooding Facebook are really having an effect on me.  I now feel the need to inspire others - to shepperd goodness and a path toward excellence.  I want to share my wisdom both learned and environmentally absorbed.  I - Hoagie The Dog - want words to flow from my mouth and cause people to tear up with hope and raise their hands in crazy looking jubilation.  I'd like people to hear me, turn to one another and collectively shout "That Hoagie The Dog has introduced the proper perspective!"  Well, maybe they would shout something a little more spontaneous and catchy. 

Tonight, I will locate my writing quill and notebook of important thoughts, and begin to scribe my inspirational sayings.  I will then dress in my best inspirational clothing - which will involve a cloak of some sort - and rehearse my messages of hope on the back deck - orating into the back yard.  I will ask the Old Man to tape this dress rehearsal so we can review the performance and make necessary adjustments.

I feel that this is the start of something really big for me. 

Monkey Still at Large

Apparently, all of the animals that escaped from the wildlife refuge in Ohio have been captured or killed up to this point.  All except one - the monkey.  One article suggests that there were 3 monkeys loose in the streets, but the other two have been caught and sent to the zoo.  The monkey remains at large.

By now, I imagine that The Monkey has acquired a disguise and has possibly assumed a new identity.  Perhaps he is now taking on the appearance of a lonely drifter.  I'm sure that The Monkey is following my blog - by sneaking into Internet cafes and logging on - unrecognized because of his shrewd disguise (flannel shirt, baggy pants, non-descript baseball hat pulled down over his eyes, sunglasses, unshaven monkey face).  And thus, I must send The Monkey a message.  My message is simple - "Come to me, you monkey!"  I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to help. 

Not only will I make my backyard available to you on a temporary basis until you get back on your feet, you see, Monkey, I am very connected and I will be able to make introductions to important people for you.  These people can, in turn, open doors for you and create opportunities for you similar to the ones that have been created for me - Hoagie The Dog.  Your story of escape and triumph could be translated into a book deal, a cable TV movie, and eventually a talk show.  But you have to come forward, you monkey.

Of course, per industry standard, I will retain 20% of all future earnings from deals and endorsements.  Entertainment Agent Hoagie.

Caution: Exotic Animals on Loose in Ohio

Wild animals are on the loose in Zanesville, Ohio after a man who housed more than 50 such animals, including lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears, set them free before killing himself.  Flashing signs along area highways told motorists, "Caution exotic animals" and "Stay in vehicle."  An official said Wednesday that a mountain lion, grizzly bear and monkey were the only animals still running loose.

You can keep the mountain lion and the bear, but I want the monkey.  If anybody out there happens to come across the monkey, let him know that I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to offer a safe haven and complete amnesty (if the monkey requires it).  I'm not sure that Chicago has "monkey weather" - or at least I have never heard our weather described that way, but it can't be any worse than Zanesville, Ohio.  I can provide a nice backyard with a swing set, and we have a Jewel nearby that sells nice bananas at reasonable prices.

Also, the Old Man likes to play golf, so if the picture below is an accurate portrayal of common monkey hobbies, we'll have ourselves a match.


However, I'm more of a card player, so according to the picture below, we may be able to get along well on that front.


Either way, my door is open to you - Monkey.  However, you're going to have to sleep outside with the squirrels and other critters.  Monkeys are filthy and I don't want them in the house.

Who is Hoagie The Dog

Hoagie The Dog is:

Loved companion, loyal friend, defender of truth, poet, amateur magician, aspiring door to door saddle salesman, ladies man, international superstar, general troubleshooter, food critic, painter, entrepreneur, life coach, dreamer, man of intrigue, Swagger expert, square dancing competition judge, former minor league pitcher, tax accountant, importer/exporter, regional vice president of various things, social media darling, advocate and protester, inventor, policy maker, professional scratcher, mathematician at large, frequent guest and panelist, and finally – personal advisor to the stars.

Getting My Poetry On Today

Today is a good day for me to stroll outside and sit down beneath the tree in the backyard and write me some poetry.  It's time that I dust off my poetry-writing beret, drape a fashionable scarf around my neck and start to ponder the synergies and imbalances between man and nature.  I don't do a lot of the rhyming type of poems, as I really prefer to be more abstract in my writing.  Cerebral Hoagie.

One thing that has really been eating at me lately, and is the topic that I believe I will focus on with my writing today, is the tragedy of life and love, the lessons one can learn and absorb from such experiences, and how our inner being is constructed by these forces.  Or, I may write a poem about a cheeseburger because, well, I think about those a lot too. 

The good think about my poetry writing beret, is that I am also able to wear it when I set up my easel in the meadow and paint landscapes.  I may do that on Thursday if I have time. 

Top 10 Nude Vacations

Many mornings, I like to put on my robe and read the paper outside as the sun rises.  Many mornings, I don't.  Actually, most mornings, I don't.  It's just not that important to me.  I came across an article this morning in the paper which listed the Top 10 nude vacation spots.  It's like they knew that I would be reading the paper this morning and they published that article specifically for me - Hoagie The Dog!  I've always championed the "cause of the nude" and their undeniable right to unwind at posh resorts worldwide without the restrictions of pants.  It pleases me to no end to know that there are places that nude people can do to be nude while enjoying activities.  Personally, I've been living day to day - vacation or no vacation - in private and in public, in the buff.  And I'm not changing that. 


Below is the list of the vacation spots.  I'm guessing that if there was a #11 on the list, it would be my backyard.  I think that my backyard would be a wonderful gathering spot for the regional nude.  I don't think that I could draw an international clientele, but I think that I could make it inviting for those in the Midwest.  It would be somewhat of a Wisconsin Dells for the nude - only run by a dog, and we wouldn't have duck boat tours.  We would, of course, have trampolines.  Lots of them.


Space is limited.  Call and make your reservations today.

1. Bay to Breakers 12K Race, San Francisco

2. Black’s Beach, La Jolla, California

3. The Blue Lagoon, Iceland

4. Burning Man, Black Rock Desert, Nevada

5. Moorea Beach Club at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas

6. North Swanbourne Beach, Perth, Australia

7. Spa World, Osaka, Japan

8. Spencer Tunick Photo Shoots

9. Turkish Baths, Budapest, Hungary

10. World Naked Bike Ride

Golf and Cured/Smoked Meats

Two recent events seem to suggest that there may be a developing and somewhat unorthodox convergence of two previously (seemingly) unrelated interests of mine: Cured/Smoked Meats and Golf.  First - last week at an event in Europe - a golfer was awarded his weight in ham for achieving a hole-in-one.  Then - this past weekend - a (perhaps slightly altered) golf fan ran onto the green and threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods during the final round of a tournament.  The hot dog assassin had this to say about his inspiration:

"I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" Kelly said. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'"

Courageous and epic, he said.

As an amateur conspiracy theorist, I have to think that these two events must be related.  I have read extensively on the statistical correlation between cured/smoked meat and golf and most (if not all) evidence suggests that there is little to no mathematical likelihood of the two subjects intersecting without a conspired and carefully executed plot - most likely funded by a consortium that includes Titleist, Nike, and Oscar Meier.  It's difficult not to think that there may be a commercial angle to these events. 

I will continue to closely follow this storyline.  I enjoy golf - though it is a bit hard for me to play.  And I enjoy meat, because it is food and lots of it tends to get dropped from high chairs in my home.  But I think that there may be inorganic forces here, artificially influencing this flirtation - and that troubles me.  Of course, it also could be the work of Martians.

Lifetime Achievement Award

I was notified this morning by telegram that I will be receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award.  This is very exciting and rewarding news for me, and I feel honored to be recognized.  I do, however, need to apologize for my aggressive behavior toward the Telegram Messenger that I displayed upon his arrival,  as I was out of line.  In my defense though, the Telegram Messenger is a close cousin of the Mailman and therefore, I do have somewhat of a natural instinct to give them a hard time. 

I need to thank the pioneers that have come before me and have influenced and shaped my approach that has led to this well deserved honor.  Specifically, but not limited to, I'd like to recognize and thank the following folks for their mentorship and (direct or indirect) inspiration:  Abraham Lincoln, Steve Jobs, Santa, Elvis, Love Columnist Smoove B, Alf, the guy who hosted Fear Factor, William "Refrigerator" Perry, and of course my family.

I feel lucky to wake up every day - several times per day - and be able to do what I love to do.  I'm also very surprised that I would receive an award for it.

Protesting

I love a good protest.  Higher wages.  Lower wages.  No war.  More war.  I'm behind it all 100%.  Solidarity Hoagie.  I enjoy everything about the whole protesting scene.  It's outside, full of energy, spirited, and there are generally lots of good signs.  The sign making part, leading up to the protest is good fun for me as well.  Selecting the right stick, and deciding on the right message to write is all part of the creative part of the process that I enjoy. If I get writers block and can't think of a good sign, I have a "go to" sign that I can pretty much use for any protest.  It just says "Shove It!"  It's a versatile message that gets my point across.  One problem is though, I don't always get to actually attend the protest in person - unless the Old Man walks me down there.  If I can't get down to the protest scene, I'll just get my sign and parade around the back yard.  The two dogs on either side of me think that I'm crazy, but they are both passive and resistant to change - no passion for The Movement.  One change that I would make to the whole protest scene would be the inclusion of a buffet at the end of the protest for all involved.  Nothing fancy - just maybe some mostacolli, fried chicken, and perhaps assorted buttered roles.  Brown's Chicken and Pasta could handle this. 

Happy Columbus Day

I - Hoagie The Dog - find that the best way to celebrate some holidays is through historical reenactments. Therefore, to commemorate Columbus Day 2011, I will be exploring the backyard today in search of gold and spices. In particular, I hope to find nutmeg - as I love it in my eggnog over the Holiday season.