According to a survey conducted by a restroom supply company, the Field Museum right here in Chicago has America's top bathroom. I've never been there, however I have seen the pictures on the www-internets and I suppose that you could say that it's nice. From the perspective of me - Hoagie The Dog - I don't think that I would categorize their's as #1. I feel that America's Top Bathroom is right in my backyard. Think about it (if you haven't already). First, my bathroom is wonderfully landscaped - roses, hostas, lillies, ferns, and all kinds of other stuff to make the bathroom experience all that more scenic. Field Museum poddy does not have that. My bathroom has a large elm tree in the corner for shade if needed. Field Museum poddy does not have that. My water closet also has a grape arbor - complete with grapes and a bench. Field Museum poddy does not have that. The Old Man can throw a ball to me in my bathroom. Can't do that in the Field Museum. I have a garage attached to my bathroom. The Field Museum parking garage is nowhere near the bathroom. Design error on their part.
I will admit that there are two downsides to my bathroom arrangement. #1: Privacy is a bit of an issue. I am exposed to the gawking of family, neighbors, strangers in cars, birds and squirrels as I do my business. It's a bit awkward, but remember, I have a grape arbor - so it's take the good with the bad. #2: Cleanliness. I will allow that the Field Museum poddy probably gets cleaned a bit more often than mine. You should see my place after a melting of a major snow that has been on the ground for a while. Not pretty.
I am hoping that next year, my bathroom will receive its proper acknowledgement among America's best and all will be right with the world of bathroom surveys.
Hoagie The Dog
These are the views of Hoagie The Dog
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Snooki Gets A Perfume
Finally - Snooki is releasing her own perfume. It's about time. I can't tell you how many conversations that I have had with people that start with me saying "I need to smell like Snooki." Now, finally, I - Hoagie The Dog - can smell just like Snooki. You can too. We all can. All we have to do is turn on the Home Shopping Network and call the toll-free number and the good smells will arrive in 3-5 business days. How convenient. I usually have the HSN on anyway as that is where I shop for my anti-aging lotions, celebrity endorsed jewelry, and fancy blenders. This may inspire me to get into the fragrance business. I think that I would call mine "Smell The Dog." It would be huge. The cover of the box would feature a shirtless, sweaty Hoagie The Dog being admired in the rain by a female species that has been overwhelmed by my scent. Enjoy that visual.
http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2011/10/25/Snookis-scent-for-sale-on-HSN/UPI-46961319557984/
http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2011/10/25/Snookis-scent-for-sale-on-HSN/UPI-46961319557984/
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Getting my Tax Code On
I - Hoagie The Dog - am a CPA (Certified Public Accountant). I earned this prestigious designation after completing the required paperwork and forms that were sent to me after responding to an add in the back of a Rolling Stone magazine. And today, I am putting on my old-school accounting/bookkeeping visor and exercising my right to account. Specifically, I will be initiating an official review (as sanctioned by me - Hoagie The Dog) of the US Tax Code. With all of the talk about a 9-9-9 plan and the optional 20% flat tax, I feel that I need to brush up on the particulars of the drama that is contained in the Code before offering and opining on my official position. Every 4 years, I am besieged with requests from various cable outlets to offer my opinion on tax reform and the economic and political ramifications of such adjustments. I prefer to be in the upper right corner in the quadrant style panel discussion - as my advisor suggests that the upper right corner implies a position of authority. The usual 4 people on the panel are Alan Greenspan, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, and me - Hoagie The Dog. I go way back with the other panelists, so the discussion is usually pretty friendly, but passionate nonetheless. Alan Greenspan and I used to go to professional wrestling matches together. He was a big fan of Capt. Lou Albano (not an accountant) for whatever reason. I do not know if the admiration was mutual. Which brings me back to my original point - the tax code review. I intend to complete my review within 7 business days. Do not expect to hear any of my official stances until I complete my full review. You will have to wait patiently. Keep your composure. Do not fret. My review is coming soon.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Inspirational Quotes
All these inspirational quotes that are flooding Facebook are really having an effect on me. I now feel the need to inspire others - to shepperd goodness and a path toward excellence. I want to share my wisdom both learned and environmentally absorbed. I - Hoagie The Dog - want words to flow from my mouth and cause people to tear up with hope and raise their hands in crazy looking jubilation. I'd like people to hear me, turn to one another and collectively shout "That Hoagie The Dog has introduced the proper perspective!" Well, maybe they would shout something a little more spontaneous and catchy.
Tonight, I will locate my writing quill and notebook of important thoughts, and begin to scribe my inspirational sayings. I will then dress in my best inspirational clothing - which will involve a cloak of some sort - and rehearse my messages of hope on the back deck - orating into the back yard. I will ask the Old Man to tape this dress rehearsal so we can review the performance and make necessary adjustments.
I feel that this is the start of something really big for me.
Tonight, I will locate my writing quill and notebook of important thoughts, and begin to scribe my inspirational sayings. I will then dress in my best inspirational clothing - which will involve a cloak of some sort - and rehearse my messages of hope on the back deck - orating into the back yard. I will ask the Old Man to tape this dress rehearsal so we can review the performance and make necessary adjustments.
I feel that this is the start of something really big for me.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Monkey Still at Large
Apparently, all of the animals that escaped from the wildlife refuge in Ohio have been captured or killed up to this point. All except one - the monkey. One article suggests that there were 3 monkeys loose in the streets, but the other two have been caught and sent to the zoo. The monkey remains at large.
By now, I imagine that The Monkey has acquired a disguise and has possibly assumed a new identity. Perhaps he is now taking on the appearance of a lonely drifter. I'm sure that The Monkey is following my blog - by sneaking into Internet cafes and logging on - unrecognized because of his shrewd disguise (flannel shirt, baggy pants, non-descript baseball hat pulled down over his eyes, sunglasses, unshaven monkey face). And thus, I must send The Monkey a message. My message is simple - "Come to me, you monkey!" I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to help.
Not only will I make my backyard available to you on a temporary basis until you get back on your feet, you see, Monkey, I am very connected and I will be able to make introductions to important people for you. These people can, in turn, open doors for you and create opportunities for you similar to the ones that have been created for me - Hoagie The Dog. Your story of escape and triumph could be translated into a book deal, a cable TV movie, and eventually a talk show. But you have to come forward, you monkey.
Of course, per industry standard, I will retain 20% of all future earnings from deals and endorsements. Entertainment Agent Hoagie.
By now, I imagine that The Monkey has acquired a disguise and has possibly assumed a new identity. Perhaps he is now taking on the appearance of a lonely drifter. I'm sure that The Monkey is following my blog - by sneaking into Internet cafes and logging on - unrecognized because of his shrewd disguise (flannel shirt, baggy pants, non-descript baseball hat pulled down over his eyes, sunglasses, unshaven monkey face). And thus, I must send The Monkey a message. My message is simple - "Come to me, you monkey!" I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to help.
Not only will I make my backyard available to you on a temporary basis until you get back on your feet, you see, Monkey, I am very connected and I will be able to make introductions to important people for you. These people can, in turn, open doors for you and create opportunities for you similar to the ones that have been created for me - Hoagie The Dog. Your story of escape and triumph could be translated into a book deal, a cable TV movie, and eventually a talk show. But you have to come forward, you monkey.
Of course, per industry standard, I will retain 20% of all future earnings from deals and endorsements. Entertainment Agent Hoagie.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Caution: Exotic Animals on Loose in Ohio
Wild animals are on the loose in Zanesville, Ohio after a man who housed more than 50 such animals, including lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears, set them free before killing himself. Flashing signs along area highways told motorists, "Caution exotic animals" and "Stay in vehicle." An official said Wednesday that a mountain lion, grizzly bear and monkey were the only animals still running loose.
You can keep the mountain lion and the bear, but I want the monkey. If anybody out there happens to come across the monkey, let him know that I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to offer a safe haven and complete amnesty (if the monkey requires it). I'm not sure that Chicago has "monkey weather" - or at least I have never heard our weather described that way, but it can't be any worse than Zanesville, Ohio. I can provide a nice backyard with a swing set, and we have a Jewel nearby that sells nice bananas at reasonable prices.
Also, the Old Man likes to play golf, so if the picture below is an accurate portrayal of common monkey hobbies, we'll have ourselves a match.
However, I'm more of a card player, so according to the picture below, we may be able to get along well on that front.
Either way, my door is open to you - Monkey. However, you're going to have to sleep outside with the squirrels and other critters. Monkeys are filthy and I don't want them in the house.
You can keep the mountain lion and the bear, but I want the monkey. If anybody out there happens to come across the monkey, let him know that I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to offer a safe haven and complete amnesty (if the monkey requires it). I'm not sure that Chicago has "monkey weather" - or at least I have never heard our weather described that way, but it can't be any worse than Zanesville, Ohio. I can provide a nice backyard with a swing set, and we have a Jewel nearby that sells nice bananas at reasonable prices.
Also, the Old Man likes to play golf, so if the picture below is an accurate portrayal of common monkey hobbies, we'll have ourselves a match.
However, I'm more of a card player, so according to the picture below, we may be able to get along well on that front.
Either way, my door is open to you - Monkey. However, you're going to have to sleep outside with the squirrels and other critters. Monkeys are filthy and I don't want them in the house.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Who is Hoagie The Dog
Hoagie The Dog is:
Loved companion, loyal friend, defender of truth, poet, amateur magician, aspiring door to door saddle salesman, ladies man, international superstar, general troubleshooter, food critic, painter, entrepreneur, life coach, dreamer, man of intrigue, Swagger expert, square dancing competition judge, former minor league pitcher, tax accountant, importer/exporter, regional vice president of various things, social media darling, advocate and protester, inventor, policy maker, professional scratcher, mathematician at large, frequent guest and panelist, and finally – personal advisor to the stars.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Getting My Poetry On Today
Today is a good day for me to stroll outside and sit down beneath the tree in the backyard and write me some poetry. It's time that I dust off my poetry-writing beret, drape a fashionable scarf around my neck and start to ponder the synergies and imbalances between man and nature. I don't do a lot of the rhyming type of poems, as I really prefer to be more abstract in my writing. Cerebral Hoagie.
One thing that has really been eating at me lately, and is the topic that I believe I will focus on with my writing today, is the tragedy of life and love, the lessons one can learn and absorb from such experiences, and how our inner being is constructed by these forces. Or, I may write a poem about a cheeseburger because, well, I think about those a lot too.
The good think about my poetry writing beret, is that I am also able to wear it when I set up my easel in the meadow and paint landscapes. I may do that on Thursday if I have time.
One thing that has really been eating at me lately, and is the topic that I believe I will focus on with my writing today, is the tragedy of life and love, the lessons one can learn and absorb from such experiences, and how our inner being is constructed by these forces. Or, I may write a poem about a cheeseburger because, well, I think about those a lot too.
The good think about my poetry writing beret, is that I am also able to wear it when I set up my easel in the meadow and paint landscapes. I may do that on Thursday if I have time.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Top 10 Nude Vacations
Many mornings, I like to put on my robe and read the paper outside as the sun rises. Many mornings, I don't. Actually, most mornings, I don't. It's just not that important to me. I came across an article this morning in the paper which listed the Top 10 nude vacation spots. It's like they knew that I would be reading the paper this morning and they published that article specifically for me - Hoagie The Dog! I've always championed the "cause of the nude" and their undeniable right to unwind at posh resorts worldwide without the restrictions of pants. It pleases me to no end to know that there are places that nude people can do to be nude while enjoying activities. Personally, I've been living day to day - vacation or no vacation - in private and in public, in the buff. And I'm not changing that.
Below is the list of the vacation spots. I'm guessing that if there was a #11 on the list, it would be my backyard. I think that my backyard would be a wonderful gathering spot for the regional nude. I don't think that I could draw an international clientele, but I think that I could make it inviting for those in the Midwest. It would be somewhat of a Wisconsin Dells for the nude - only run by a dog, and we wouldn't have duck boat tours. We would, of course, have trampolines. Lots of them.
Space is limited. Call and make your reservations today.
Below is the list of the vacation spots. I'm guessing that if there was a #11 on the list, it would be my backyard. I think that my backyard would be a wonderful gathering spot for the regional nude. I don't think that I could draw an international clientele, but I think that I could make it inviting for those in the Midwest. It would be somewhat of a Wisconsin Dells for the nude - only run by a dog, and we wouldn't have duck boat tours. We would, of course, have trampolines. Lots of them.
Space is limited. Call and make your reservations today.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Golf and Cured/Smoked Meats
Two recent events seem to suggest that there may be a developing and somewhat unorthodox convergence of two previously (seemingly) unrelated interests of mine: Cured/Smoked Meats and Golf. First - last week at an event in Europe - a golfer was awarded his weight in ham for achieving a hole-in-one. Then - this past weekend - a (perhaps slightly altered) golf fan ran onto the green and threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods during the final round of a tournament. The hot dog assassin had this to say about his inspiration:
"I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" Kelly said. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'"
Courageous and epic, he said.
As an amateur conspiracy theorist, I have to think that these two events must be related. I have read extensively on the statistical correlation between cured/smoked meat and golf and most (if not all) evidence suggests that there is little to no mathematical likelihood of the two subjects intersecting without a conspired and carefully executed plot - most likely funded by a consortium that includes Titleist, Nike, and Oscar Meier. It's difficult not to think that there may be a commercial angle to these events.
I will continue to closely follow this storyline. I enjoy golf - though it is a bit hard for me to play. And I enjoy meat, because it is food and lots of it tends to get dropped from high chairs in my home. But I think that there may be inorganic forces here, artificially influencing this flirtation - and that troubles me. Of course, it also could be the work of Martians.
"I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" Kelly said. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'"
Courageous and epic, he said.
As an amateur conspiracy theorist, I have to think that these two events must be related. I have read extensively on the statistical correlation between cured/smoked meat and golf and most (if not all) evidence suggests that there is little to no mathematical likelihood of the two subjects intersecting without a conspired and carefully executed plot - most likely funded by a consortium that includes Titleist, Nike, and Oscar Meier. It's difficult not to think that there may be a commercial angle to these events.
I will continue to closely follow this storyline. I enjoy golf - though it is a bit hard for me to play. And I enjoy meat, because it is food and lots of it tends to get dropped from high chairs in my home. But I think that there may be inorganic forces here, artificially influencing this flirtation - and that troubles me. Of course, it also could be the work of Martians.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Lifetime Achievement Award
I was notified this morning by telegram that I will be receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award. This is very exciting and rewarding news for me, and I feel honored to be recognized. I do, however, need to apologize for my aggressive behavior toward the Telegram Messenger that I displayed upon his arrival, as I was out of line. In my defense though, the Telegram Messenger is a close cousin of the Mailman and therefore, I do have somewhat of a natural instinct to give them a hard time.
I need to thank the pioneers that have come before me and have influenced and shaped my approach that has led to this well deserved honor. Specifically, but not limited to, I'd like to recognize and thank the following folks for their mentorship and (direct or indirect) inspiration: Abraham Lincoln, Steve Jobs, Santa, Elvis, Love Columnist Smoove B, Alf, the guy who hosted Fear Factor, William "Refrigerator" Perry, and of course my family.
I feel lucky to wake up every day - several times per day - and be able to do what I love to do. I'm also very surprised that I would receive an award for it.
I need to thank the pioneers that have come before me and have influenced and shaped my approach that has led to this well deserved honor. Specifically, but not limited to, I'd like to recognize and thank the following folks for their mentorship and (direct or indirect) inspiration: Abraham Lincoln, Steve Jobs, Santa, Elvis, Love Columnist Smoove B, Alf, the guy who hosted Fear Factor, William "Refrigerator" Perry, and of course my family.
I feel lucky to wake up every day - several times per day - and be able to do what I love to do. I'm also very surprised that I would receive an award for it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Protesting
I love a good protest. Higher wages. Lower wages. No war. More war. I'm behind it all 100%. Solidarity Hoagie. I enjoy everything about the whole protesting scene. It's outside, full of energy, spirited, and there are generally lots of good signs. The sign making part, leading up to the protest is good fun for me as well. Selecting the right stick, and deciding on the right message to write is all part of the creative part of the process that I enjoy. If I get writers block and can't think of a good sign, I have a "go to" sign that I can pretty much use for any protest. It just says "Shove It!" It's a versatile message that gets my point across. One problem is though, I don't always get to actually attend the protest in person - unless the Old Man walks me down there. If I can't get down to the protest scene, I'll just get my sign and parade around the back yard. The two dogs on either side of me think that I'm crazy, but they are both passive and resistant to change - no passion for The Movement. One change that I would make to the whole protest scene would be the inclusion of a buffet at the end of the protest for all involved. Nothing fancy - just maybe some mostacolli, fried chicken, and perhaps assorted buttered roles. Brown's Chicken and Pasta could handle this.
Monday, October 10, 2011
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