I Want to be a Flasher

Clearly, there are a lot of advantages to not being held to the societal defined expectations of wearing clothes in public.  Very clearly.  I can go whereever I wish and never have to worry about pants and whether or not I remembered to put them on.  I just can't imagine the stress that would cause a person.  However, there is a downside to the expectation that I be nude:  I am unable to engage in the act of flashing.  I would make a great flasher.  I could really envision myself walking down the street on the end of my leash, wearing a non-descript tan trench coat, appearing distracted, and opening it up and freaking someone or something out.  What an adrenaline rush that would be!  I bet I could really freak out the neighborhood squirrels.  I might send them all into therapy - if squirrel therapy exists as a recognized medical practice.  However, I would not be completely nude under my trench coat.  I would wear a tie - something striped perhaps - hanging from my neck.  I like to stay classy and sophisticated at all times. 

Holiday Confusion

I - Hoagie The Dog - enjoy the holidays.  I enjoy each and every one of them - including the lesser known ones.  However, I tend to get a little confused as to what traditions go with which holidays.  I understand that Thanksgiving is approaching.  However, I don't recall if that is the holiday that centers around a turkey or a bunny.  Halloween recently passed - was that the one with the groundhog?  So, going forward I think that I may just implement a standard celebration routine that captures all of the major holiday traditions - just so that I have all my angles covered when it comes to the pageantry.  So here is how I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving (and perhaps all holidays going forward):

Wake up early.  Put on a costume (maybe a Dracula costume), and go out in the yard and look for eggs.  If I see a bunny, I will shoot it and bring it inside and prepare it with stuffing.  After romancing my closest companion and giving her chocolates, I will re-enter the yard and shoot off some fireworks.  Then, I will stroll down to the bar and drink lousy green beer.  Upon my return to the house, I will gather with the family around a pine tree that has been placed in my living room, trade presents with each other, and finish the day talking like a pirate.

There you have it.  My go-to holiday celebration plan.  Feel free to implement a similar plan.

Hoagie The Dog to Replace Regis?

Generally, when major television personalities announce their departure, I - Hoagie The Dog - am contacted by television executives and/or other important people in an effort to gauge my interest in replacing said television personality.  When Andy Rooney left, my phone immediately rang as CBS honchos tried to convince me to share my thoughts at the end of 60 minutes.  I respectfully declined as I don't work Sundays.  When Oprah left I was contacted by studio executives, members of the Board of Directors of All Things Oprah, Gayle King, and selected members of the United States Congress - all pitching me on the idea of stepping into Oprah's shoes.  I declined that offer as well.  Now that Regis has hung up his morning show charisma, the push is on once again for Hoagie the Dog to enter America's consciousness via a talk show.  This recruitment process has been especially persistent.  In fact, Kelly Ripa herself is taking an active role in persuading me to move to New York and join her on her little AM gabfest.  Just the other day, as I was on my walk, Kelly Ripa jumped out from behind a tree and launched into her pitch.  Today, she was loitering around the front of my house, peering in the windows trying to get my attention.  Obviously, I find the whole idea very flattering - as any dog who is fielding overtures to appear on TV would - but the simple fact is that I just do not have the time to host a talk show.  My plate is already full with my various projects.  I have my blog.  I have my Christmas album that I am getting to go into the studio and record.  I have my tax advisory business.  I have my door-to-door saddle sales business.  Let's not forget the consulting that I do for the choreography on Dancing With The Stars (DWTS). 

So Kelly - stop asking me.  It's just not in the cards at this time.  Stop jumping out from behind trees and bothering me as I'm doing my business in a yard.  Have some dignity.

Wine Review

This evening a little red wine spilled on the floor and I was able to lick up a couple of drops before it was cleaned up. I - Hoagie The Dog - have a fairly refined palate and was able to notice right away that it was a 2006 Renato Ratti Barolo Marcenasco. This is an untamed beast, showing more wild herb, raw beef and forest underbrush elements along with its black cherry and raspberry fruit. Distinctive and harmonious, it requires time to absorb. Also, it clearly has mineral, cedar and dusty earth notes that frame the ripe currant, plum and blackberry scents. Full-bodied, intense and concentrated, it gains depth and nuance on the long, potent finish. In terms of pairings, it would work nicely with pupperoni treats, milk bones, or even a ripe out-of-the-can tennis ball. Enjoy now through 2014.

Brian Boitano Event

As I was watching the Chicago Blackhawks game with the Old Man tonight, I saw a commercial for an event that I know is simply going to be huge.  It is the Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular featuring a performance by Chicago.  A combination of greatness!  I can't believe that this has not been thought of before.  Two artistic superpowers weaving their magic together under one roof.  At least two or three nights a week, I find myself listening to post-Peter Cetera era Chicago in my headphones while watching old tapes of Brian Boitano performances.  I've always found it infinitely frustrating not to be able to enjoy both loves simultaneously on the same artistic canvas.  Now I can - and I can enjoy it live.  I must get tickets.  However, I am frightened to even try to comprehend what the ticket scalpers are charging for this event.  I have to assume that the prices rival those charged for the Super Bowl.  Or the Globetrotters.  I mean, how do you put a price on Brian Boitano fluttering around to "Saturday in the Park."  Tears will be shed.  I - Hoagie The Dog - love jazz-influenced classic rock.  And I love the art and pageantry of figure skating.  I don't imagine that I will be able to afford the ticket.  However, I will be at home, on the couch with my headphones on, "25 or 6 to 4" playing, watching either a tape of Brian excelling in the 1988 Olympics or perhaps a tape of his Food Network show "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"  I'm cool with that. 

Grooming Inequality

This dog needs to get to the groomer and get the swagger tuned up.  My fall coat has come in, and I need to get it smoothed out a bit on top, on the sides, and underneath.  One thing that I've always wondered is:  Do the humans have the same experience as I when they go for a haircut?  Do you have to stand on top of a table for your cut?  Do you get chained up by your neck on the table?  Do they use a wet-dry vac on you to clean up the hair and dry your fur?  Do they thoroughly clean the part under your tail?  I don't necessarily have a strong opposition to any of these practices as they are commonplace for my experience.  I am left to wonder, however, if I were to walk into a Mario Tricoci salon, for example - to pick up some conditioner - would I see a room full of people standing on tables, chained to poles, getting scrubbed and shaved?  Would I hear the deafening sound of 20 wet-dry vacs operating at once?  Does common modesty go completely out the window with respect to the "under the tail cleaning?"  In commercials on tv for "salon style quality" shampoos, they certainly don't seem to paint this picture of a salon as they are convincing me of the existence a better, more glamorous way for me to wash my hair at home.  My get tells me that there is some injustice here that needs to be addressed - that me and my brothers deserve a better haircutting experience.  I see an organized demonstration in my future.  The revolution starts now.

I too was harassed by Herman Cain

Back in 1997, I had the great pleasure of being able to attend the annual National Restaurant Association convention.  It was there that I feel that I may have been the target of unwanted sexual advances from Herman Cain.  Here is what happened.  On the last day of the convention, I approached Mr. Cain as he was chatting with some colleagues about some sort of official National Restaurant Association business.  I approached Mr. Cain because, as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, I figured that the man was going to smell like pizza.  And boy, did he ever smell like pizza.  It was glorious.  I also was hoping that - as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza - he may actually have some pizza on him.  However, he did not.  As I stood next to Mr. Cain - taking in his sausage and pepperoni natural aroma - he gently rubbed my backside and called me "handsome."  I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was completely captivated by this hypnotic pizza smell that the man had.  Now that I look back on it though, I believe that my rights may have been violated. 

I have great sympathy for the other brave victims that have been coming forward with their stories of improper behavior on the part of Mr. Cain.  I imagine that they also were captivated by his pizza smell and fell for its allure.

Kim Kardashian Reconsidering Divorce

It comes as no surprise to me - Hoagie The Dog - that the Kardashian girl with the big behind is reconsidering her divorce to mediocre NBA player Kris Humphries.  According to reports, the Kardashian girl put her big ass on an airplane and flew to Minnesota to chat with Kris over the weekend.  It comes as no surprise to me, because I spoke at length with Kris on Friday.  As an advisor to the stars, I am often sought out for my perspective and guidance - especially on all matters of the heart.  As a matter of fact, I have a specific expertise in mediating quarrels between irrelevant celebrities with little or no talent.  I told Kris that he and the Kardashian girl have so much to offer the world as a couple - that they simply cannot give up.  I mean, she is on television and he scores nearly 6 points per game. That is a powerful combination that you don't find every day.  I think that she also has a perfume.  Not sure if he does.  Yet.  So, I am encouraged that he is taking my advice and trying to save this important relationship and thus make everything right with the world.  Those two really are an inspiration to us all.  I also suggested that he spend a little more time in the driveway working on his free throws. 

End of Daylight Savings Time

Well, another Daylight Savings Time has come and gone.  Put this one in the books.  I'm dissapointed that we don't send out this event with any real pageantry.  No party, no beads, no cards.....nothing.  I - Hoagie The Dog - really love a good celebration.  Celebrations to me mean one thing - food on the floor baby!  I feel that we need to be making bigger productions over more things.  We could celebrate the arrival of Tuesday with a grand feast.  Or, if the wind is out of the south, we could celebrate that with a big party.  Each time we run out of milk, we could go mad crazy with a party.  More celebrating = more food for me.   That's what I'm talkin' about.

Flash Mob Needed

In an effort to market and draw attention to my blog, it appears that I may have to engage in some gorilla marketing.  After all, gorilla make the best marketers.  Just ask any gorilla.  I have yet to hire any gorillas, and as a result, I will conduct the gorilla marketing myself - sans gorilla.  I am leaning toward organizing a flash mob, however the flash mob logistics seem intimidating.  First, I must choose a big, populated location.  This location also must have stairs from which people descend for a grand entrance approximately 25% of the way through the performance.  This rules out my backyard.  Then, I need to round up about 200 people willing to go along with my flash mobbing.  This won't be easy.  Next I must coordinate the choreography.  Obviously, I would do this myself and do not need to find and hire a professional choreographer.  Hoagie The Dog is - if nothing else - a terrific dancer.  Traditional dancing, line dancing, tango, samba, the twist, irish step dancing, break dancing, and of course - the mashed potato.  I am an expert in all of them.  Over my career, I have really enjoyed most of my experiences in choreographing huge production numbers.  I enjoy getting my choreographer outfit on, parading in front of the dancers, shouting at those out of step until it all comes together at the end and I weep in the arms of the dancers who are grateful for my tough love approach to dancing.  It's really a magical process to observe.

However, for now, I will simply continue to scribe my observations.  And if the right gorilla comes along, I may get him involved in advancing my cause.

Kris Humphries' Divorce From the Girl with the Big Behind

I - Hoagie The Dog - have followed the love life of 6 ft. 9 in. NBA forward Kris Humphries for many years.  When he was drafted by Utah and averaged 3.5 points/game for two seasons, I was mesmerized by his dating in the singles hotspot of Utah.  Then, when he was traded to Toronto - where he raised his scoring average to 4.0 points/game - I was fascinated with his pursuit of the Canadian women as he chased them throughout the area hockey arenas.  Then, when he landed briefly in Dallas for 25 games before being sent out of there without making an impact, I was honestly broken as I really thought he was going to find true love in the Lone Star State.  However, it was not meant to be.  Finally, Kris moved onto New Jersey to play for the Nets, where he really came into his own as a star and raised his career scoring total to an average of 5.6 points/game.  During the NBA lockout which nobody - including me: Hoagie The Dog - cares about, Kris thankfully found his true love in the Kardashian girl with the big behind.  You know, the one who is a professional um....uh... - well, the one with the tv show and books about um...uh... - I mean um...uh... the girl with the big ass that somehow has Capt. Wheaties Bruce Jenner as her step dad.  Well, when he finally married the big ass Kardashian girl, I was overwhelmed with joy - as Hoagie The Dog is a champion of true love.  I thought that this was a real win for a guy who has a head shaped like a canoe.  However, I now find myself 72 days after the wedding, once again following the love plight of Kris as he and that Kardashian girl with the big ass have decided to call it quits. 

Kris and his soon-to-be ex-wife with the big ass have asked me and the rest of Earth to respect their privacy during this difficult time, and have stated that they intend to remain friends. I guess that I don't understand why it's important that you keep your ex-wife of 72 days with the big ass close to you as a friend.  Nevertheless, I do not know how successful I will be in granting these two their privacy.  I will try to find a hobby to occupy my time, but I may just find myself trying to contact Kris and ask him what went wrong.  Please Kris, tell me what went wrong between you and that Kardashian girl (the one with the big ass).

Another Halloween in the Books

Another Halloween has come and gone for you as well as me - Hoagie The Dog.  I struggled to come up with one costume this year.  I consulted my advisors, visited fortune tellers, flipped through old issues of "O" magazine, and called radio talk shows - all in the effort of looking for advice and guidance on what I should be for Halloween.  My costume requirements seemed simple:  The costume must reflect my personality either directly or ironically, be topical and relevant, be dangerously sexy, and come at a reasonable price.  Hoagie The Dog is fiscally responsible on all holidays.  So, in the end, I landed on many costumes and changed throughout the night.  For the dusk evening - catering to the younger trick-or-treaters - I dressed as Capt. Underpants - from the children's book series.  This is ironic because #1) I am not a "certified" Captain in the traditional sense of the word, and, #2) I do not wear underpants - ever.  Never will.  For the hours between 6:00 and 8:00, I went as a mangled cat.  The teenagers who come during that time really respected me for my daringness and creativity.  Also, I found the costume topical and ironic since there are a lot of mangled cats out there and I am not one of them.  I am a dog.  Finally, for the late-night visitors, I simply threw on my silk robe, loosened it up a bit up top, draped a fashionable scarf around my neck, and sat down in an inviting pose on the front step with a bowl of candy positioned in my lap.  My thinking was that the scantily clad ladies would be coming by dressed as vixen police officers, and sexy bumble bees and they would certainly identify with my costume.  However, traffic died down after 8:00 and I was out there seemingly only to get the greyhound across the street all worked up.  I don't know if that dog is a boy or a girl (or somewhere in-between), so I may not position myself erotically in such a public setting next year.   None of my advisors warned me of this outcome - so I may have to revisit my support structure.