Well - it has been confirmed by a licensed medical professional: I have - hopefully temporarily - lost my Swagger. I received this authoritative discouragement last night upon my trip to Dr. Jellyfinger of St. Charles. Apparently, WITHOUT MY KNOWING, I was placed on the AEP (Ass Expansion Plan) and my weight has gone from 75 lbs. to 89 lbs. - thus causing my sluggishness, and minimization of Swagger. My true fighting weight is 75 lbs. - the weight at which I can optimally and quickly reach top running speed in order to catch (or sometimes escape) the ladies. So, effective immediately, I will be embarking (pun intended) on an exiled search of a renewed commitment to excellence plan in order to return myself to the sculpted, strikingly handsome figure that earth deserves to enjoy. My carefully crafted improvement plan will include rigorous doses of running, cross-training, boxing, yoga, karate, meditation, swimming, and table tennis (since ping-pong is an Olympic sport I figure it must be good for you). I have hired and will meet daily with the following: nutritionist, personal trainer, general guru, minister, sensei, lawyer, agent, and stylist. Upon my return from my self imposed exile, I will re-enter public life as a trim species of Swagger. Of course, there will be a large, public, Oprah-style event at which I will unveil my slenderized figure to the masses and subsequent hysterical applause. Plans for this event are already in the works as my agent is checking on the availability of Woodstock as a venue. As I work myself off the AEP, I ask you to respect my privacy during this difficult time. However, I am willing to receive attention in the form of donations, as I have to pay for all those people to come to my house each day.