Earlier today, I approached the task of clearing out my email Spam folder with an open mind - willing to consider all of the terrific unsolicited offers for helpful products and services that come my way. Based upon the offers that I have received, I learned the following:
1) My credit history is unmatched, and I am able to qualify instantly for a wide range of financial instruments including large mortgages and many helpful credit cards with outstanding rates. This is great and will allow me tremendous flexibility in helping to meet my financial goals
2) I have been accepted to both the University of Phoenix as well as Florida Tech Online. I will announce my selection next week via a live ESPN special. I am leaning toward Florida Tech as I believe that I will get more playing time there in my freshman year and they have offered me a Cadillac as an incentive.
3) There are many Russian women who would like to meet me. While I appreciate the offer, I must decline as my Russian is conversational at best since I retired as a spy. I do speak the international language of love, which is helpful, but just not enough to completely bridge the communication gap.
4) My male part is not big enough nor does it work as well as it needs to. In fact, according to one offer, I can improve performance enough that it will be strong enough to break an egg. That sounds useful, as I keep trying to use it to break eggs, and it just never works well enough to do that. I hope that the Russian women to want to meet do not find out that I cannot currently break an egg with it. That would be embarrassing.
5) I have many different options when it comes to reversing hair loss. Again, good to know that I have options, but this is not currently an issue for me.
6) I deserve better vision through Lasik. I agree. I deserve it. We all do.
7) Dr. Oz can help me with weight loss, as well as a variety of other problems. What a guy, that Dr. Oz. And, he knows Oprah. He really has it all.
There are other lessons as well, but these are the key takeaways. I cannot wait for the changes that will come along with these offers. This is going to be great.