Monkey Still at Large

Apparently, all of the animals that escaped from the wildlife refuge in Ohio have been captured or killed up to this point.  All except one - the monkey.  One article suggests that there were 3 monkeys loose in the streets, but the other two have been caught and sent to the zoo.  The monkey remains at large.

By now, I imagine that The Monkey has acquired a disguise and has possibly assumed a new identity.  Perhaps he is now taking on the appearance of a lonely drifter.  I'm sure that The Monkey is following my blog - by sneaking into Internet cafes and logging on - unrecognized because of his shrewd disguise (flannel shirt, baggy pants, non-descript baseball hat pulled down over his eyes, sunglasses, unshaven monkey face).  And thus, I must send The Monkey a message.  My message is simple - "Come to me, you monkey!"  I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to help. 

Not only will I make my backyard available to you on a temporary basis until you get back on your feet, you see, Monkey, I am very connected and I will be able to make introductions to important people for you.  These people can, in turn, open doors for you and create opportunities for you similar to the ones that have been created for me - Hoagie The Dog.  Your story of escape and triumph could be translated into a book deal, a cable TV movie, and eventually a talk show.  But you have to come forward, you monkey.

Of course, per industry standard, I will retain 20% of all future earnings from deals and endorsements.  Entertainment Agent Hoagie.

Caution: Exotic Animals on Loose in Ohio

Wild animals are on the loose in Zanesville, Ohio after a man who housed more than 50 such animals, including lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears, set them free before killing himself.  Flashing signs along area highways told motorists, "Caution exotic animals" and "Stay in vehicle."  An official said Wednesday that a mountain lion, grizzly bear and monkey were the only animals still running loose.

You can keep the mountain lion and the bear, but I want the monkey.  If anybody out there happens to come across the monkey, let him know that I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to offer a safe haven and complete amnesty (if the monkey requires it).  I'm not sure that Chicago has "monkey weather" - or at least I have never heard our weather described that way, but it can't be any worse than Zanesville, Ohio.  I can provide a nice backyard with a swing set, and we have a Jewel nearby that sells nice bananas at reasonable prices.

Also, the Old Man likes to play golf, so if the picture below is an accurate portrayal of common monkey hobbies, we'll have ourselves a match.


However, I'm more of a card player, so according to the picture below, we may be able to get along well on that front.


Either way, my door is open to you - Monkey.  However, you're going to have to sleep outside with the squirrels and other critters.  Monkeys are filthy and I don't want them in the house.