Caution: Exotic Animals on Loose in Ohio

Wild animals are on the loose in Zanesville, Ohio after a man who housed more than 50 such animals, including lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears, set them free before killing himself.  Flashing signs along area highways told motorists, "Caution exotic animals" and "Stay in vehicle."  An official said Wednesday that a mountain lion, grizzly bear and monkey were the only animals still running loose.

You can keep the mountain lion and the bear, but I want the monkey.  If anybody out there happens to come across the monkey, let him know that I - Hoagie The Dog - am willing to offer a safe haven and complete amnesty (if the monkey requires it).  I'm not sure that Chicago has "monkey weather" - or at least I have never heard our weather described that way, but it can't be any worse than Zanesville, Ohio.  I can provide a nice backyard with a swing set, and we have a Jewel nearby that sells nice bananas at reasonable prices.

Also, the Old Man likes to play golf, so if the picture below is an accurate portrayal of common monkey hobbies, we'll have ourselves a match.


However, I'm more of a card player, so according to the picture below, we may be able to get along well on that front.


Either way, my door is open to you - Monkey.  However, you're going to have to sleep outside with the squirrels and other critters.  Monkeys are filthy and I don't want them in the house.