Self Reflection via Spam

Earlier today, I approached the task of clearing out my email Spam folder with an open mind - willing to consider all of the terrific unsolicited offers for helpful products and services that come my way.  Based upon the offers that I have received, I learned the following:

1) My credit history is unmatched, and I am able to qualify instantly for a wide range of financial instruments including large mortgages and many helpful credit cards with outstanding rates.  This is great and will allow me tremendous flexibility in helping to meet my financial goals

2) I have been accepted to both the University of Phoenix as well as Florida Tech Online.  I will announce my selection next week via a live ESPN special.  I am leaning toward Florida Tech as I believe that I will get more playing time there in my freshman year and they have offered me a Cadillac as an incentive.

3) There are many Russian women who would like to meet me.  While I appreciate the offer, I must decline as my Russian is conversational at best since I retired as a spy.  I do speak the international language of love, which is helpful, but just not enough to completely bridge the communication gap.

4) My male part is not big enough nor does it work as well as it needs to.  In fact, according to one offer, I can improve performance enough that it will be strong enough to break an egg.  That sounds useful, as I keep trying to use it to break eggs, and it just never works well enough to do that.  I hope that the Russian women to want to meet do not find out that I cannot currently break an egg with it.  That would be embarrassing.

5) I have many different options when it comes to reversing hair loss.  Again, good to know that I have options, but this is not currently an issue for me.

6) I deserve better vision through Lasik.  I agree.  I deserve it.  We all do.

7) Dr. Oz can help me with weight loss, as well as a variety of other problems.  What a guy, that Dr. Oz.  And, he knows Oprah.  He really has it all. 


There are other lessons as well, but these are the key takeaways.  I cannot wait for the changes that will come along with these offers.  This is going to be great.

Missing Swagger

Well - it has been confirmed by a licensed medical professional:  I have - hopefully temporarily - lost my Swagger.  I received this authoritative discouragement last night upon my trip to Dr. Jellyfinger of St. Charles.  Apparently, WITHOUT MY KNOWING, I was placed on the AEP (Ass Expansion Plan) and my weight has gone from 75 lbs. to 89 lbs. - thus causing my sluggishness, and minimization of Swagger.  My true fighting weight is 75 lbs. - the weight at which I can optimally and quickly reach top running speed in order to catch (or sometimes escape) the ladies.  So, effective immediately, I will be embarking (pun intended) on an exiled search of a renewed commitment to excellence plan in order to return myself to the sculpted, strikingly handsome figure that earth deserves to enjoy.  My carefully crafted improvement plan will include rigorous doses of running, cross-training, boxing, yoga, karate, meditation, swimming, and table tennis (since ping-pong is an Olympic sport I figure it must be good for you).  I have hired and will meet daily with the following:  nutritionist, personal trainer, general guru, minister, sensei, lawyer, agent, and stylist.  Upon my return from my self imposed exile, I will re-enter public life as a trim species of Swagger.  Of course, there will be a large, public, Oprah-style event at which I will unveil my slenderized figure to the masses and subsequent hysterical applause.  Plans for this event are already in the works as my agent is checking on the availability of Woodstock as a venue.  As I work myself off the AEP, I ask you to respect my privacy during this difficult time.  However, I am willing to receive attention in the form of donations, as I have to pay for all those people to come to my house each day.

- HTD

NATO Summit

Well, another NATO summit has come and gone and I, for one, am beat.  Three solid days of protesting is hard on this dog.  But boy oh boy did I protest some stuff.  I marched against pollution.  I marched for pollution. I protested large corporate America.  I also filled out some job applications at Boeing and JP Morgan Chase.  I attended many sit-ins - though I generally fell asleep during them.   I met a number of fine people, all passionate about their cause.  Many seem to be on the same grooming schedule as I.  I went to the Mayor's house and whizzed on his lawn - not so much as a symbolic gesture of my anarchist tone - but because I had to go and that was where I was at the moment.  I hope that I did not make a brown spot on his grass, because he seemed to have nice grass.  Most Mayors do.  You can't have some half-ass lawn if you're the mayor.  Some of the protests that I attended did get a little crowded.  I'm not sure where the next NATO summit is, but I hope that they consider a place with some more space.  Montana would be great.  We'll go up there and shake our collective fists at the mountains and peaceful beauty.

Christmas Movie Review

It's Christmas time around the house.  Christmas brings many changes to the home landscape, but none more confusing to me than the arrival of the bad Christmas movies on the Hallmark and Lifefime channels.  I don't personally care for them, but I do find myself getting wrapped into them each night at about 9:00 PM.  Last night's award winner, The Christmas Proposal, featured two Christmas movie mainstays in Tom Arnold, and Nicole Eggert - who seems to have been spending a little too much time in front of the feed bowl since her Baywatch days (if you know what I mean).  The film (and I use that term loosely) also featured a Patrick Dempsey lookalike, as I do not imagine that the producers had money in the budget for the real McDreamy, after spending all of that money on talent like Tom Arnold.  Anyway, the story was typical for a Christmas movie - folks return to the small town home at Christmas, realize they miss it, everybody falls in love and Christmas arrives and solves whatever lingering problem might remain. Tier 2 McDreamy and the pudgy ex-tv lifeguard rekindle their forgotten romance and get engaged in front of the whole town.  Of course.  Not sure of the point of Tom Arnold in this one.  He is Tier 2 McDreamy's boss and spends lots of time shouting at him over the phone from a golf course - where he barks out important boss-like sayings such as "Have that report on my desk in the morning!"  or "If you don't come through, you're finished at this company!"  Good stuff from Tom Arnold here.  He really has blossomed as a performer since splitting from Roseanne. 

We'll see what's on tonight. 

I Want to be a Flasher

Clearly, there are a lot of advantages to not being held to the societal defined expectations of wearing clothes in public.  Very clearly.  I can go whereever I wish and never have to worry about pants and whether or not I remembered to put them on.  I just can't imagine the stress that would cause a person.  However, there is a downside to the expectation that I be nude:  I am unable to engage in the act of flashing.  I would make a great flasher.  I could really envision myself walking down the street on the end of my leash, wearing a non-descript tan trench coat, appearing distracted, and opening it up and freaking someone or something out.  What an adrenaline rush that would be!  I bet I could really freak out the neighborhood squirrels.  I might send them all into therapy - if squirrel therapy exists as a recognized medical practice.  However, I would not be completely nude under my trench coat.  I would wear a tie - something striped perhaps - hanging from my neck.  I like to stay classy and sophisticated at all times. 

Holiday Confusion

I - Hoagie The Dog - enjoy the holidays.  I enjoy each and every one of them - including the lesser known ones.  However, I tend to get a little confused as to what traditions go with which holidays.  I understand that Thanksgiving is approaching.  However, I don't recall if that is the holiday that centers around a turkey or a bunny.  Halloween recently passed - was that the one with the groundhog?  So, going forward I think that I may just implement a standard celebration routine that captures all of the major holiday traditions - just so that I have all my angles covered when it comes to the pageantry.  So here is how I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving (and perhaps all holidays going forward):

Wake up early.  Put on a costume (maybe a Dracula costume), and go out in the yard and look for eggs.  If I see a bunny, I will shoot it and bring it inside and prepare it with stuffing.  After romancing my closest companion and giving her chocolates, I will re-enter the yard and shoot off some fireworks.  Then, I will stroll down to the bar and drink lousy green beer.  Upon my return to the house, I will gather with the family around a pine tree that has been placed in my living room, trade presents with each other, and finish the day talking like a pirate.

There you have it.  My go-to holiday celebration plan.  Feel free to implement a similar plan.

Hoagie The Dog to Replace Regis?

Generally, when major television personalities announce their departure, I - Hoagie The Dog - am contacted by television executives and/or other important people in an effort to gauge my interest in replacing said television personality.  When Andy Rooney left, my phone immediately rang as CBS honchos tried to convince me to share my thoughts at the end of 60 minutes.  I respectfully declined as I don't work Sundays.  When Oprah left I was contacted by studio executives, members of the Board of Directors of All Things Oprah, Gayle King, and selected members of the United States Congress - all pitching me on the idea of stepping into Oprah's shoes.  I declined that offer as well.  Now that Regis has hung up his morning show charisma, the push is on once again for Hoagie the Dog to enter America's consciousness via a talk show.  This recruitment process has been especially persistent.  In fact, Kelly Ripa herself is taking an active role in persuading me to move to New York and join her on her little AM gabfest.  Just the other day, as I was on my walk, Kelly Ripa jumped out from behind a tree and launched into her pitch.  Today, she was loitering around the front of my house, peering in the windows trying to get my attention.  Obviously, I find the whole idea very flattering - as any dog who is fielding overtures to appear on TV would - but the simple fact is that I just do not have the time to host a talk show.  My plate is already full with my various projects.  I have my blog.  I have my Christmas album that I am getting to go into the studio and record.  I have my tax advisory business.  I have my door-to-door saddle sales business.  Let's not forget the consulting that I do for the choreography on Dancing With The Stars (DWTS). 

So Kelly - stop asking me.  It's just not in the cards at this time.  Stop jumping out from behind trees and bothering me as I'm doing my business in a yard.  Have some dignity.

Wine Review

This evening a little red wine spilled on the floor and I was able to lick up a couple of drops before it was cleaned up. I - Hoagie The Dog - have a fairly refined palate and was able to notice right away that it was a 2006 Renato Ratti Barolo Marcenasco. This is an untamed beast, showing more wild herb, raw beef and forest underbrush elements along with its black cherry and raspberry fruit. Distinctive and harmonious, it requires time to absorb. Also, it clearly has mineral, cedar and dusty earth notes that frame the ripe currant, plum and blackberry scents. Full-bodied, intense and concentrated, it gains depth and nuance on the long, potent finish. In terms of pairings, it would work nicely with pupperoni treats, milk bones, or even a ripe out-of-the-can tennis ball. Enjoy now through 2014.

Brian Boitano Event

As I was watching the Chicago Blackhawks game with the Old Man tonight, I saw a commercial for an event that I know is simply going to be huge.  It is the Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular featuring a performance by Chicago.  A combination of greatness!  I can't believe that this has not been thought of before.  Two artistic superpowers weaving their magic together under one roof.  At least two or three nights a week, I find myself listening to post-Peter Cetera era Chicago in my headphones while watching old tapes of Brian Boitano performances.  I've always found it infinitely frustrating not to be able to enjoy both loves simultaneously on the same artistic canvas.  Now I can - and I can enjoy it live.  I must get tickets.  However, I am frightened to even try to comprehend what the ticket scalpers are charging for this event.  I have to assume that the prices rival those charged for the Super Bowl.  Or the Globetrotters.  I mean, how do you put a price on Brian Boitano fluttering around to "Saturday in the Park."  Tears will be shed.  I - Hoagie The Dog - love jazz-influenced classic rock.  And I love the art and pageantry of figure skating.  I don't imagine that I will be able to afford the ticket.  However, I will be at home, on the couch with my headphones on, "25 or 6 to 4" playing, watching either a tape of Brian excelling in the 1988 Olympics or perhaps a tape of his Food Network show "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"  I'm cool with that. 

Grooming Inequality

This dog needs to get to the groomer and get the swagger tuned up.  My fall coat has come in, and I need to get it smoothed out a bit on top, on the sides, and underneath.  One thing that I've always wondered is:  Do the humans have the same experience as I when they go for a haircut?  Do you have to stand on top of a table for your cut?  Do you get chained up by your neck on the table?  Do they use a wet-dry vac on you to clean up the hair and dry your fur?  Do they thoroughly clean the part under your tail?  I don't necessarily have a strong opposition to any of these practices as they are commonplace for my experience.  I am left to wonder, however, if I were to walk into a Mario Tricoci salon, for example - to pick up some conditioner - would I see a room full of people standing on tables, chained to poles, getting scrubbed and shaved?  Would I hear the deafening sound of 20 wet-dry vacs operating at once?  Does common modesty go completely out the window with respect to the "under the tail cleaning?"  In commercials on tv for "salon style quality" shampoos, they certainly don't seem to paint this picture of a salon as they are convincing me of the existence a better, more glamorous way for me to wash my hair at home.  My get tells me that there is some injustice here that needs to be addressed - that me and my brothers deserve a better haircutting experience.  I see an organized demonstration in my future.  The revolution starts now.

I too was harassed by Herman Cain

Back in 1997, I had the great pleasure of being able to attend the annual National Restaurant Association convention.  It was there that I feel that I may have been the target of unwanted sexual advances from Herman Cain.  Here is what happened.  On the last day of the convention, I approached Mr. Cain as he was chatting with some colleagues about some sort of official National Restaurant Association business.  I approached Mr. Cain because, as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, I figured that the man was going to smell like pizza.  And boy, did he ever smell like pizza.  It was glorious.  I also was hoping that - as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza - he may actually have some pizza on him.  However, he did not.  As I stood next to Mr. Cain - taking in his sausage and pepperoni natural aroma - he gently rubbed my backside and called me "handsome."  I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was completely captivated by this hypnotic pizza smell that the man had.  Now that I look back on it though, I believe that my rights may have been violated. 

I have great sympathy for the other brave victims that have been coming forward with their stories of improper behavior on the part of Mr. Cain.  I imagine that they also were captivated by his pizza smell and fell for its allure.

Kim Kardashian Reconsidering Divorce

It comes as no surprise to me - Hoagie The Dog - that the Kardashian girl with the big behind is reconsidering her divorce to mediocre NBA player Kris Humphries.  According to reports, the Kardashian girl put her big ass on an airplane and flew to Minnesota to chat with Kris over the weekend.  It comes as no surprise to me, because I spoke at length with Kris on Friday.  As an advisor to the stars, I am often sought out for my perspective and guidance - especially on all matters of the heart.  As a matter of fact, I have a specific expertise in mediating quarrels between irrelevant celebrities with little or no talent.  I told Kris that he and the Kardashian girl have so much to offer the world as a couple - that they simply cannot give up.  I mean, she is on television and he scores nearly 6 points per game. That is a powerful combination that you don't find every day.  I think that she also has a perfume.  Not sure if he does.  Yet.  So, I am encouraged that he is taking my advice and trying to save this important relationship and thus make everything right with the world.  Those two really are an inspiration to us all.  I also suggested that he spend a little more time in the driveway working on his free throws. 

End of Daylight Savings Time

Well, another Daylight Savings Time has come and gone.  Put this one in the books.  I'm dissapointed that we don't send out this event with any real pageantry.  No party, no beads, no cards.....nothing.  I - Hoagie The Dog - really love a good celebration.  Celebrations to me mean one thing - food on the floor baby!  I feel that we need to be making bigger productions over more things.  We could celebrate the arrival of Tuesday with a grand feast.  Or, if the wind is out of the south, we could celebrate that with a big party.  Each time we run out of milk, we could go mad crazy with a party.  More celebrating = more food for me.   That's what I'm talkin' about.

Flash Mob Needed

In an effort to market and draw attention to my blog, it appears that I may have to engage in some gorilla marketing.  After all, gorilla make the best marketers.  Just ask any gorilla.  I have yet to hire any gorillas, and as a result, I will conduct the gorilla marketing myself - sans gorilla.  I am leaning toward organizing a flash mob, however the flash mob logistics seem intimidating.  First, I must choose a big, populated location.  This location also must have stairs from which people descend for a grand entrance approximately 25% of the way through the performance.  This rules out my backyard.  Then, I need to round up about 200 people willing to go along with my flash mobbing.  This won't be easy.  Next I must coordinate the choreography.  Obviously, I would do this myself and do not need to find and hire a professional choreographer.  Hoagie The Dog is - if nothing else - a terrific dancer.  Traditional dancing, line dancing, tango, samba, the twist, irish step dancing, break dancing, and of course - the mashed potato.  I am an expert in all of them.  Over my career, I have really enjoyed most of my experiences in choreographing huge production numbers.  I enjoy getting my choreographer outfit on, parading in front of the dancers, shouting at those out of step until it all comes together at the end and I weep in the arms of the dancers who are grateful for my tough love approach to dancing.  It's really a magical process to observe.

However, for now, I will simply continue to scribe my observations.  And if the right gorilla comes along, I may get him involved in advancing my cause.

Kris Humphries' Divorce From the Girl with the Big Behind

I - Hoagie The Dog - have followed the love life of 6 ft. 9 in. NBA forward Kris Humphries for many years.  When he was drafted by Utah and averaged 3.5 points/game for two seasons, I was mesmerized by his dating in the singles hotspot of Utah.  Then, when he was traded to Toronto - where he raised his scoring average to 4.0 points/game - I was fascinated with his pursuit of the Canadian women as he chased them throughout the area hockey arenas.  Then, when he landed briefly in Dallas for 25 games before being sent out of there without making an impact, I was honestly broken as I really thought he was going to find true love in the Lone Star State.  However, it was not meant to be.  Finally, Kris moved onto New Jersey to play for the Nets, where he really came into his own as a star and raised his career scoring total to an average of 5.6 points/game.  During the NBA lockout which nobody - including me: Hoagie The Dog - cares about, Kris thankfully found his true love in the Kardashian girl with the big behind.  You know, the one who is a professional um....uh... - well, the one with the tv show and books about um...uh... - I mean um...uh... the girl with the big ass that somehow has Capt. Wheaties Bruce Jenner as her step dad.  Well, when he finally married the big ass Kardashian girl, I was overwhelmed with joy - as Hoagie The Dog is a champion of true love.  I thought that this was a real win for a guy who has a head shaped like a canoe.  However, I now find myself 72 days after the wedding, once again following the love plight of Kris as he and that Kardashian girl with the big ass have decided to call it quits. 

Kris and his soon-to-be ex-wife with the big ass have asked me and the rest of Earth to respect their privacy during this difficult time, and have stated that they intend to remain friends. I guess that I don't understand why it's important that you keep your ex-wife of 72 days with the big ass close to you as a friend.  Nevertheless, I do not know how successful I will be in granting these two their privacy.  I will try to find a hobby to occupy my time, but I may just find myself trying to contact Kris and ask him what went wrong.  Please Kris, tell me what went wrong between you and that Kardashian girl (the one with the big ass).

Another Halloween in the Books

Another Halloween has come and gone for you as well as me - Hoagie The Dog.  I struggled to come up with one costume this year.  I consulted my advisors, visited fortune tellers, flipped through old issues of "O" magazine, and called radio talk shows - all in the effort of looking for advice and guidance on what I should be for Halloween.  My costume requirements seemed simple:  The costume must reflect my personality either directly or ironically, be topical and relevant, be dangerously sexy, and come at a reasonable price.  Hoagie The Dog is fiscally responsible on all holidays.  So, in the end, I landed on many costumes and changed throughout the night.  For the dusk evening - catering to the younger trick-or-treaters - I dressed as Capt. Underpants - from the children's book series.  This is ironic because #1) I am not a "certified" Captain in the traditional sense of the word, and, #2) I do not wear underpants - ever.  Never will.  For the hours between 6:00 and 8:00, I went as a mangled cat.  The teenagers who come during that time really respected me for my daringness and creativity.  Also, I found the costume topical and ironic since there are a lot of mangled cats out there and I am not one of them.  I am a dog.  Finally, for the late-night visitors, I simply threw on my silk robe, loosened it up a bit up top, draped a fashionable scarf around my neck, and sat down in an inviting pose on the front step with a bowl of candy positioned in my lap.  My thinking was that the scantily clad ladies would be coming by dressed as vixen police officers, and sexy bumble bees and they would certainly identify with my costume.  However, traffic died down after 8:00 and I was out there seemingly only to get the greyhound across the street all worked up.  I don't know if that dog is a boy or a girl (or somewhere in-between), so I may not position myself erotically in such a public setting next year.   None of my advisors warned me of this outcome - so I may have to revisit my support structure.

Best Bathroom in America?

According to a survey conducted by a restroom supply company, the Field Museum right here in Chicago has America's top bathroom.  I've never been there, however I have seen the pictures on the www-internets and I suppose that you could say that it's nice.  From the perspective of me - Hoagie The Dog - I don't think that I would categorize their's as #1.  I feel that America's Top Bathroom is right in my backyard.  Think about it (if you haven't already).  First, my bathroom is wonderfully landscaped - roses, hostas, lillies, ferns, and all kinds of other stuff to make the bathroom experience all that more scenic.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  My bathroom has a large elm tree in the corner for shade if needed.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  My water closet also has a grape arbor - complete with grapes and a bench.  Field Museum poddy does not have that.  The Old Man can throw a ball to me in my bathroom.  Can't do that in the Field Museum.  I have a garage attached to my bathroom.  The Field Museum parking garage is nowhere near the bathroom.  Design error on their part.

I will admit that there are two downsides to my bathroom arrangement.  #1: Privacy is a bit of an issue.  I am exposed to the gawking of family, neighbors, strangers in cars, birds and squirrels as I do my business.  It's a bit awkward, but remember, I have a grape arbor - so it's take the good with the bad.  #2: Cleanliness.  I will allow that the Field Museum poddy probably gets cleaned a bit more often than mine.  You should see my place after a melting of a major snow that has been on the ground for a while.  Not pretty.

I am hoping that next year, my bathroom will receive its proper acknowledgement among America's best and all will be right with the world of bathroom surveys.

Snooki Gets A Perfume

Finally - Snooki is releasing her own perfume.  It's about time.  I can't tell you how many conversations that I have had with people that start with me saying "I need to smell like Snooki."  Now, finally, I - Hoagie The Dog - can smell just like Snooki.  You can too.  We all can.  All we have to do is turn on the Home Shopping Network and call the toll-free number and the good smells will arrive in 3-5 business days.  How convenient.  I usually have the HSN on anyway as that is where I shop for my anti-aging lotions, celebrity endorsed jewelry, and fancy blenders.  This may inspire me to get into the fragrance business.  I think that I would call mine "Smell The Dog."  It would be huge.  The cover of the box would feature a shirtless, sweaty Hoagie The Dog being admired in the rain by a female species that has been overwhelmed by my scent.  Enjoy that visual. 

http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2011/10/25/Snookis-scent-for-sale-on-HSN/UPI-46961319557984/

Getting my Tax Code On

I - Hoagie The Dog - am a CPA (Certified Public Accountant).  I earned this prestigious designation after completing the required paperwork and forms that were sent to me after responding to an add in the back of a Rolling Stone magazine.  And today, I am putting on my old-school accounting/bookkeeping visor and exercising my right to account.  Specifically, I will be initiating an official review (as sanctioned by me - Hoagie The Dog) of the US Tax Code.  With all of the talk about a 9-9-9 plan and the optional 20% flat tax, I feel that I need to brush up on the particulars of the drama that is contained in the Code before offering and opining on my official position.  Every 4 years, I am besieged with requests from various cable outlets to offer my opinion on tax reform and the economic and political ramifications of such adjustments.  I prefer to be in the upper right corner in the quadrant style panel discussion - as my advisor suggests that the upper right corner implies a position of authority.  The usual 4 people on the panel are Alan Greenspan, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, and me - Hoagie The Dog.  I go way back with the other panelists, so the discussion is usually pretty friendly, but passionate nonetheless.  Alan Greenspan and I used to go to professional wrestling matches together.  He was a big fan of Capt. Lou Albano (not an accountant) for whatever reason.  I do not know if the admiration was mutual.  Which brings me back to my original point - the tax code review.  I intend to complete my review within 7 business days.  Do not expect to hear any of my official stances until I complete my full review.  You will have to wait patiently.  Keep your composure.  Do not fret.  My review is coming soon.

Inspirational Quotes

All these inspirational quotes that are flooding Facebook are really having an effect on me.  I now feel the need to inspire others - to shepperd goodness and a path toward excellence.  I want to share my wisdom both learned and environmentally absorbed.  I - Hoagie The Dog - want words to flow from my mouth and cause people to tear up with hope and raise their hands in crazy looking jubilation.  I'd like people to hear me, turn to one another and collectively shout "That Hoagie The Dog has introduced the proper perspective!"  Well, maybe they would shout something a little more spontaneous and catchy. 

Tonight, I will locate my writing quill and notebook of important thoughts, and begin to scribe my inspirational sayings.  I will then dress in my best inspirational clothing - which will involve a cloak of some sort - and rehearse my messages of hope on the back deck - orating into the back yard.  I will ask the Old Man to tape this dress rehearsal so we can review the performance and make necessary adjustments.

I feel that this is the start of something really big for me.